Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Why Are We Fighting?

I get really sad thinking about this topic, but I'm sharing it here because I committed to myself that I would be honest about the ups and downs and in-betweens if I was going to blog about our wedding planning process.  This is most certainly a "down."

To provide some context, I'll just remind you that we were actively planning our wedding *long* before we were officially engaged.  During that time, we had never (in my memory) fought about anything wedding-related.   After the engagement there was the most loverly period where everything felt rosy and magical...  I loved those days. 

Then everything changed.

I don't recall the first fight - what it was about or how it got started.  It was an anomaly, something we'd never done before and something I think we both assumed was a one-time thing.  Then it happened again...  and again.  There were nights we stayed up into the early morning hours trying to work through and move past some argument that began over dinner.  We were always able to come to an agreement about each and every silly fight we were having, but not before we had put in many, *many* long and tearful hours.  (And I do mean *many* - remember we're both therapists.  We really know how to process the sh*t out of things.)

At one point I was so hurt and disillusioned that I suggested perhaps we should rethink the wedding.  Things were fine, even great, before we started to seriously work towards a wedding, so why not go back to how things were before.  I don't think either of us could believe that option was even on the table.  But this arguing was unlike anything we'd ever dealt with before in our relationship.

Eventually we created some rules that helped us to contain, and sometimes minimize, the fights.  We worked hard to identify our needs and wants in regards to weddings conversations.  We both tried to make changes to better support the other.  We figured out some of the reasons we approach these conversations differently.  One of the changes I made around this time was to start my blog.  Mr. NM and I talked about how I didn't have many wedding outlets in my life and how perhaps it wasn't fair for me to depend on him to provide all my wedding support. I had already been considering becoming a blogger, and these conversations provided me with some additional momentum to actually get started.

It's been about two months since we've been implementing these changes, and things are definitely better than they were before.  I wish I could say that everything's fine now - that we figured out the problem and solved it completely - but we haven't.  Arguments are much less frequent, but when they happen they're still (usually unecessarily) intense.  We're working on it.  We haven't given up and we have hope that sometime soon we're going to find our wedding equilibrium. 

I just hope it happens before the wedding.  T-minus 13 months...

Have you and your significant other had to deal with any heated wedding-related arguments?  How did you work it out?

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